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Revolution Renaissance: New era
11/06/08 || Euthanatos
Let me tell you a story about a fat fuck. We’ll call him Timo. Sounds appropriate for a fat fuck. Now, Timo, our fat fuck, decided ever since he was a teenager that he loved music and nature. Life was all about peace, love and understanding. Mother nature was being harmed and mankind had strayed from the spiritual ways.
Timo, the fat fuck, eventually found his way into unknown Finnish power metal band Stratovarius. He promptly took charge of the band, as fat fucks do, and sang and played virtuoso guitar. Eventually someone had the sense to convince him that he was a fat fuck who couldn’t sing, so Timo, the fat fuck, brought in another Timo to sing. Along with the blond bombshell, Timo, the fat fuck, not the singer, also brought Jari and Jörg, two nice guys to play bass and drums. Stratovarius, the fat fuck’s band, would go on to become one of the most popular heavy metal bands of the nineties. Naturally, they made a shitload of money. Naturally, this led them to split up.
For our fat fuck had learned a valuable lesson; everyone is a greedy motherfucker. Including him, most likely, and where there is money, there will be cut throats. The fat fuck was separated from his former friends, got drunk, got pissed on, got stabbed (but luckily he had generous fat layers to protect him), went to therapy, released a shitty “opera” and then decided to release a new band, a new heavy metal band, a new heavy metal fat fuck band, and this band is what we have right here, Revolution Renaissance. Now, according to rumors (and the fat fuck himself), this was actually supposed to be the new Stratovarius album, but since the band was dead, he just decided to release it as a new band. Yes, with that glorious name.
Timo, the fat fuck, insists this is not a project, but a real band. But, he didn’t really have band members for his band, so he hired some famous people, particularly to sing. On this debut, Timo, the fat fuck, called in Tobias Sammet from Edguy, former Helloween front man Michael Kiske and Thunderstone’s Pasi Rantanen. Other random Finnish people complete the line-up, but they’re not interesting, so fuck ‘em.
The first track, “Heroes”, gives us enlightenment as to what to expect from Revolution Renaissance. It’s gay-ass power metal, much like Stratovarius, but uninspired… Much like latter-day Stratovarius. Tobias, though, shines on the track, as, truth be told, all three vocalists do. Pasi Rantanen, as a matter of fact, is the one that captivated me the most and it helps that “We Are Magic” (Yes! Yes! That’s the name of the song! Fat fuck really outdid himself), “Eden is Burning” and “Burn Upon the Cross”, all songs in which he sings, are the strongest of the album. The first Kiske tune is just terrible, “I Did It My Way”. Really, Frankie? I mean, Fat Fuck? How original. “Angel” is a painful, painful power ballad that would make Axel Rudi Pell twist in agony in his grave. Oh, wait, is he dead yet? Never mind. “Keep the Flame Alive”. What a great, great title. Fat fuck is truly inspired. It’s another boring power ballad. It has a nice flute, though. But flutes are gay, so no points there. Sorry, fat fuck.
You are listening to the new Revolution Renaissance album. No, really? I would have never thought. Thank you for pointing that out with your thick, nearly incomprehensible accent, Mr. Narrator.
“Last Night on Earth” also has Kiske on vocals. Wait a minute, so does the title-track. What the fuck is up with that? Is it just me or did Michael Kiske specifically state that he is no longer interested in metal and humbly begged people to NOT call him for these kind of projects anymore? So much for coherence. I guess people really are greedy. There’s another lesson for you, fat fuck!
This album is not interesting. It’s bland, it feels stale, there are no hooks, no memorable solos, the vocalists barely save it from complete and utter disgrace. Now, you might be thinking, “Fuck Euthanatos, what does he know of power metal? He’s one of those extreme metal snobs”. Not quite, young grasshopper. As a matter of fact, I grew up listening to Blind Guardian and Stratovarius, so I know my shit. I actually think “Episode”, “Visions” and even “Destiny” are damn good albums. It just so happens that fat fuck Timo, much like his peers Kai Hansen, Michael Weikath and a whole bunch of other people simply left any and all inspiration back in the nineties. Now they suck cock. Donkey cock. Large and hairy. Such is life. Seriously, reading Timo’s final statement about Stratovarius is much more entertaining than “New Era”.
The cover: Did I tell you the name was Revolution Renaissance???
2 fat fucks fucking fat fucks fucking fat out of 10.
- Information
- Released: 2008
- Label: Frontiers Records
- Website: www.timotolkki.com
- Band
- Tobias Sammet: vocals
- Michael Kiske: vocals
- Pasi Rantanen: vocals
- Timo Tolkki: guitars
- Pasi Heikkilä: bass
- Joonas Puolakka: keyboards
- Mirka Rantanen: drums
- Tracklist
- 01. Heroes
- 02. I Did It My Way
- 03. We Are Magic
- 04. Angel
- 05. Eden Is Burning
- 06. Glorious and Divine
- 07. Born Upon the Cross
- 08. Keep the Flame Alive
- 09. Last Night on Earth
- 10. Revolution Renaissance
